So This Is What “Normal” Feels Like

Every now and then, I’ll catch a reflection of myself – either in a mirror, or a window – and am surprised to realize that it’s me.  Once in a while, I’ll glance down at my lap while seated and actually see a lap.  Occasionally, I’ll look down at my feet and legs and marvel at how, well, “normal” I look.

Mentally, that fat girl is still there poking fun at me.  Sometimes it’s hard for my brain to digest the fact that my boobs (which even when I was fat were a small C cup) actually stick out farther than my stomach does now.  It’s completely wild for me to see collar bones, or the tendons in my neck, hands and feet.  It amazes me to see that I actually have slender fingers.

It makes me feel normal.  I’ve never felt normal.

Things are so different for me today than they were one year ago.  I can sit on the bus and instead of spilling over into the seat next to me having to sit with one cheek on the seat and one cheek hanging in the aisle, now I don’t even take up an entire seat.  I can walk the six blocks from the bus stop to work without getting winded.  In fact, I don’t feel the strain at all – it almost feels as if I’m floating.  I don’t feel as if I have to apologize to people for taking up more than my allotted space on the sidewalk, elevator or bus.  I can go up the stairs in my house without feeling as if I’m going to pass out.  When I go to the gym, I no longer feel as if everyone is staring at me wondering what in the heck the fat chick is doing there.  I’m no longer the largest person in the room.  I’m smaller than my husband.  I have bones and muscles.  I have self-confidence.

When I set out on this journey in April of 2009, I honestly felt deep down that even this wasn’t going to work.  I was doomed to be fat – destined to be ridiculed, to be sick, to die young.  Now, even with all the possibilities that lie ahead of me, what feels best now is feeling NORMAL.

Over the weekend, my mom had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her that she didn’t have to give me anything – we’d like to keep our Christmas spending to the children this year – which is still expensive seeing that we have eight grandchildren and a brand new great nephew that I lump in with the grandkids.  But she said she’d already gotten my sister something, and felt it was only fair.  I told her I honestly didn’t need or want anything, but I’d think about it.    So two nights ago, she called me and with great pride said she’d figured out what she was going to give me for Christmas this year.  $100 to spend on a pair of “sexy” boots.  I had mentioned that I’d like to get a pair, since they never fit on my calves before.  She said she wanted me to pick them out, but that’s what she wanted to give me.  Then, with a catch in her throat, she said that she was sorry that all my life I’d had to dress like an old woman.  I deserved to have some sexy things.

THIS is what normal feels like.  And it feels pretty damned amazing.

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Feedbag and Exercise

So, here’s today’s food:

PreB – blueberry protein shake (I only got half of it down today – pouch was having none of it this morning)

B – non-fat blueberry yogurt and oatmeal made with skim milk (to make up for the protein shake from this morning) and dried cranberries

L – non-fat key lime pie yogurt, peanut butter and dried cranberries on a LC tortilla

D – well, now that’s an excellent question, since I forgot to take anything out of the freezer today…maybe fish?

Exercise – 45 minutes of freestyle laps in the pool and 10 minutes of hip flexor exercises (which feel SOOOOOO much better when doing them in the hot tub)

A Hodgepodge

First, let’s get this out of the way, shall we?

Today’s food:

PreB – chocolate mocha protien shake

B – banana cream pie sf nonfat yogurt, 1/2c oatmeal with dried cranberries, 2 strawberries and a cube of watermelon

L – roast beef, cabbage, and a spoonful of mashed potatos

D – turkey tomato cheesey bake

Exercise:  30 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes hip flexor stretches, 20 minutes lower body training

And now on to the meat of this post…if you have friended me on facebook then you may have seen this link last night:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

I’m really amazed at the STUPIDITY of some people – particularly the person who wrote that blog post.  Because obese people don’t have feelings, dontchaknow?

Sigh – Marie Claire will NEVER see any subscription from me.  NEVER.

This response in Bitch is made of win, however.  http://bitchmagazine.org/post/fatphobia-alert-fatties-should-not-be-allowed-to-kiss-apparently

Feedbag Post

I promised I’d start logging my food again, so here is yesterday and today.

Yesterday:

PreB – pumpkin spice protein shake

Breakfast – 1 egg scrambled with diced green onion and a smidge of parmesan with one slice of cheddar on a multigrain tortilla

Lunch:  Roast beef; cabbage, carrots and celery (all together roughly a half cup); about 1/4 c mashed potatos

Snack (bad me):  handful of low fat pringles (maybe 10?)

Dinner:  brocolli and cheddar stuffed chicken breast, carrots and peas, and 1/4c jasmine rice

Snack (bad me again):  three saltines with a smidge of peanut butter

All my fluids (96oz) and all my vits

TODAY:

PreB – pumpkin spice protein shake

Breakfast – 6oz key lime pie sf yogurt, 1/2 c oatmeal, 1 small apple

Lunch – tuna salad, 5 sesame crackers, another small apple

Dinner:  Turkey Chili, 1 thin slice of multigrain bread toasted

NO SNACKS TODAY

Exercise:  30 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes hip flexor exercises, 20 minutes upper body training

My Exercise Pledge

I got up at 4am and got my flabby butt back to the gym this morning.  Go me.  And actually, once I was there I enjoyed the workout.  Well, except for the guy who kept dropping weights behind me while I was on the treadmill.  Seriously, is that necessary??

At my last surgical follow up, the exercise specialist said she was no longer going to track my weight, but instead track my body fat percentage.  Which means I had to step up my strength training exercises in addition to my cardio.

So, I’m making this my workout pledge:

I WILL go to the gym four days per week.

On those days, I WILL do 30 minutes of cardio.

On the first and third gym day, I WILL do 20 minutes of upper body training.

On the second and fourth day, I WILL do 20 minutes of lower body training.

On the days that I do NOT go to the gym, I WILL do at least 30 minutes of cardio at home (Wii fit, walking, dancing, etc).

I WILL do my hip flexor exercises daily to losen and stretch my hip joint.

So, there you have it.  I WILL be under 40% body fat by my one year follow up next month.

And holy crap!  I’m nearly a year out!

Old Habits Die Hard

Ugh.  UGH UGH UGH.

I’ve been stressed lately, and that means I’ve been shoving food in my face that I have no business shoving in my face.  I’m over my honeymoon period, and now I’ve just got to step it up.

Stress is an ugly thing.  My body deals with stress by seeking comfort from food.  Which is leading to a big old stall, AND causing me to feel like absolute crap.  So, it’s time to go back to logging my food, upping my protein, and working my ass off at the gym.  You know, I used to think getting started on the weightloss path was the hardest part, but they aren’t kidding about those last pounds to your goal.  They are a real bitch.

In other news, since Turkey day is coming, there will be some more recipes posted.  I plan on making a sugar free sweet potato pie and a sugar free pimpkin cheesecake for the holidays this year.

Didja Get One?

I got my flu shot today.  Have you had yours yet?

I’ve always gotten one, especially since I had the heart attack in 2003, and even though I’m 1,000X healthier, I still feel they are important.  And having the flu sucks big time.

So, since work is giving them for free, I ran down and got mine.

Get your flu shot folks.  It sure can’t hurt.

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