So This Is What “Normal” Feels Like

Every now and then, I’ll catch a reflection of myself – either in a mirror, or a window – and am surprised to realize that it’s me.  Once in a while, I’ll glance down at my lap while seated and actually see a lap.  Occasionally, I’ll look down at my feet and legs and marvel at how, well, “normal” I look.

Mentally, that fat girl is still there poking fun at me.  Sometimes it’s hard for my brain to digest the fact that my boobs (which even when I was fat were a small C cup) actually stick out farther than my stomach does now.  It’s completely wild for me to see collar bones, or the tendons in my neck, hands and feet.  It amazes me to see that I actually have slender fingers.

It makes me feel normal.  I’ve never felt normal.

Things are so different for me today than they were one year ago.  I can sit on the bus and instead of spilling over into the seat next to me having to sit with one cheek on the seat and one cheek hanging in the aisle, now I don’t even take up an entire seat.  I can walk the six blocks from the bus stop to work without getting winded.  In fact, I don’t feel the strain at all – it almost feels as if I’m floating.  I don’t feel as if I have to apologize to people for taking up more than my allotted space on the sidewalk, elevator or bus.  I can go up the stairs in my house without feeling as if I’m going to pass out.  When I go to the gym, I no longer feel as if everyone is staring at me wondering what in the heck the fat chick is doing there.  I’m no longer the largest person in the room.  I’m smaller than my husband.  I have bones and muscles.  I have self-confidence.

When I set out on this journey in April of 2009, I honestly felt deep down that even this wasn’t going to work.  I was doomed to be fat – destined to be ridiculed, to be sick, to die young.  Now, even with all the possibilities that lie ahead of me, what feels best now is feeling NORMAL.

Over the weekend, my mom had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her that she didn’t have to give me anything – we’d like to keep our Christmas spending to the children this year – which is still expensive seeing that we have eight grandchildren and a brand new great nephew that I lump in with the grandkids.  But she said she’d already gotten my sister something, and felt it was only fair.  I told her I honestly didn’t need or want anything, but I’d think about it.    So two nights ago, she called me and with great pride said she’d figured out what she was going to give me for Christmas this year.  $100 to spend on a pair of “sexy” boots.  I had mentioned that I’d like to get a pair, since they never fit on my calves before.  She said she wanted me to pick them out, but that’s what she wanted to give me.  Then, with a catch in her throat, she said that she was sorry that all my life I’d had to dress like an old woman.  I deserved to have some sexy things.

THIS is what normal feels like.  And it feels pretty damned amazing.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Christie S
    Oct 28, 2010 @ 23:03:44

    Girl YEAH you deserve some sexy boots!!! I just started thinking about that.. can I buy boots yet? But even the wide-width ones say 16″ calf and mine is still 18″… one of these days though!
    I completely relate with your post. I don’t feel completely normal yet, but I sure feel a lot more normal than I did. Yesterday I was shopping and trying things on just for fun. Fit into L and XL tops… but what was really cool is every bracelet I tried on fit me. I have NEVER been able to wear bracelets bc they never fit. My wrist is average size now!!! I have a wide hand so a fixed bracelet won’t go on over my hand, but if it is stretchy or has a clasp, I can wear it. Some bracelets were even big on me. That really made me feel more NORMAL!
    Way to go girlie!!! You are inspiring and awesome 🙂


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